It’s Baaaack!

Welp, cancer has decided to give me another visit! It was already in my lung, which we saw back in December 2021, it hasn’t increased in size at all. But now I have two tumors in the wall of my abdomen, Peritoneal Metastases. From what I’ve read, it is rare for breast cancer to metastasis into the abdomen and is usually detected in late stages. I’m happy that mine was detected early. It also stated that complete cytoreductive surgery combined with hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy and systemic chemotherapy is the main treatment and the five year survival rate is 45% – not sure if that’s good or bad.

Cancer crap always has long, hard to pronounce words! Most of which I have no idea of the meaning. Did I ever mention my hatred of cancer?!? I had no idea what cytoreductive and hyperthermic intraperitoneal even means. Google to the rescue! It basically means that the visible cancerous tumors are surgically removed from the abdominal cavity. The cavity is then bathed with hot chemotherapy — heated to 107 degrees — to kill any microscopic cancer cells that remain. The recovery time is 6-8 weeks. It also said that recovery is painful. Who the hell wants to do that??? I’ll have to see what my other options are. I am not in the mood to be in pain, especially pain at the level that I imagine it would be.

I feel so weird about this cancer reoccurrence (this has been my sixth one). I mean, I’m not scared (because – been there, done that) and I’m not worried (I think that I’ve worried enough). I sort of feel numb with a bit of anger sprinkled in. I know that I don’t want to be sick, perhaps that’s my only worry. I really don’t want to be sick again. I don’t want to have to ask others to help take care of me. I don’t want to be unable to do things. I don’t want a sore throat from vomiting. I don’t want my hair to fall out, especially since it just started to really grow. So I’m just a bit angry. Angry that cancer keeps picking on me. It it just so persistent. First as a teen, then in my early. 20s and now over and over in my 40s. What the fuck?!?! I think that my anger is my fuel – I refuse to go out without a fight. I’m going to fight until there is no fight left and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I feel like cancer just keeps fucking with me and I’ve never been one to back down from a fight. I’ve been called stubborn and hardheaded my entire life. I’m going to show what stubborn and hardheaded really is.

Fuck you cancer! You are in for a battle. I will not give up. I will not give in. You may knock me down, but I will get up – again and again and again!

Why Am I Still Alive?

That’s a question I ask quite often. Why? I’ve met many beautiful women with the same diagnosis, with a lot more going on than me. Some were influencers, spreading positivity, showing us that this disease shouldn’t make us stop life, some had families and children, some were just beautiful beings that deserve to still be here. But they’re gone. I do none of those things and I have no children, so why am I still here?

Being diagnosed with stage IV cancer knocked me down and I’ve been trying to get up ever since. Knowing that more than likely my life might end early because of this disease has really rocked my world.

People told me to make the most of each day or live life to the fullest. I instead went down the rabbit hole of worry, anger, sadness, depression, thoughts of suicide – let’s just get it over with and a bunch more emotions. I went into a shell of – I don’t want/need to talk or see anyone. My phone was and still is either on Do Not Disturb or I just turn off all alerts and ringers. I didn’t/ don’t return phone calls or reply to text messages.

I tried to examine my thoughts and actions but the negative thoughts and anger would invade those thoughts.

I have not used the time that God had given me to do something good or positive. I’ve been sulking and angry. I haven’t been intentional with trying to have a good day. To be honest, some day when I open my eyes, I’m angry that I’m still alive.

I feel like my life as it was has been stolen from me. I’m unable to do the things that I loved. I wake up exhausted nearly every day. My body hurts on the inside. I’m not who I was and it’s been difficult trying to understand this new me because she surprises me with a new ailment out of nowhere.

This tumor for example, how do you ignore it and continue life like there’s no foreign object that can kill you growing in your body? How?

But I’ve been thinking….

WHY AM I STLL HERE??? There has to be a reason that God has blessed me so many times. I feel the need to find out why. What is my purpose? What am I supposed to be doing?

I wonder if God is working in me, because I’ve prayed so much and so hard for his help. I kind of feel His spark flickering inside of me.

This spark is awakening me and calling me to go on a spiritual and personal journey. That is one of the reasons for my cross-country drive. I need peace and quiet so that I can hear God a little better. I know that I am here for a reason. I just need to find what that reason is.

Five Years… I Made It!!!

*** Published late. Sorry*** August 23 will be five years since I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer and it has been a rollercoaster of emotions and other bullshit. Last night I took a look back, just to see what I’ve been through and boy, I give myself a pat on the back because I’ve been through a lot. I completed six cycles of Taxotere and Cyclophosphamide, I was supposed to complete six cycles of Xeloda, but one cycle put me in the hospital for a month. I did six weeks of proton therapy and finished up with nine cycles of atezolizumab and abraxane. Not to mention the ten surgeries that I’ve had during this time (with another one scheduled to happen in two weeks).

As many of you already know, I didn’t do well emotionally and I still fight to keep myself from going down the rabbit hole of depression. Every day is a struggle to accept my reality for what it is and not look back on the life that I once had and feel pity for myself or wonder if it’s my fault that I got sick.

One thing that I know for sure – I made five years! It was once said that I might not make it… screw you cancer! I’m a fighter and will continue to do so!

By the way… this five years feels like 20 years and one year at the same time. Feels like time is speeding and creeping by at the same time.